Talking to your children about separation can feel overwhelming. Many parents worry about saying the ‘wrong’ thing, upsetting their children, or being asked questions they don’t know how to answer.
The aim isn’t to deliver the ‘perfect’ conversation. It’s to communicate in a way that is calm, clear, age-appropriate, and focused on your children’s wellbeing. Below are some tips to keep in the back of your mind throughout the separation:
1. Use simple, plain and short explanations. You don’t need to give them every detail. Be specific and practical by explaining what is relevant to them right now, rather than overloading them with potential changes.
2. Keep them out of parental conflict. Children should not be asked to carry messages between parents, ‘report back’ on the other parent, choose sides, be aware of correspondence exchanged or decide the arrangements. Where possible, keep discussions about conflict, disagreements and Court between adults.
3. Remind them that they are not responsible for fixing things. Say that you, as parents, are managing the situation and that the children can focus on being children.
4. Stay calm, present, and be ready to talk whenever they need. When experiencing such significant change, children may respond with sadness, anger, confusion, relief or no emotional at all. Some will ask questions immediately while others will process the separation over time. Be aware of changes in their behaviour and mood and provide them with support.
The Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia also has a ‘Kids Corner’ website designed to help support children whose parents are separating and involved in court proceedings. There are stories from kids, definitions and other explanations to help children understand their feelings and make them feel less worried and alone. This website can either be shown to children if appropriate or used as a tool for parents to explain the separation in a child-focused manner.